Gardens of Purpose . . .
Stems from the moderator's experience:
The month of October is: Domestic Violence Awareness Month
The month of October is: Domestic Violence Awareness Month
Fear crept into her heart. She realized the garden was now complete. Her throat began to tighten as she knew he would know there was no real reason for her to ‘be in the garden'. Sore and tired from another day's work she bent down to tie her shoe and asked herself: why do I do this?
The answer came as she brushed the soil off her skirt: I garden to cope with emotional pain. She rose up and surveyed the one thousand square feet of fully native plant landscaped yard and said: “That's a lot of pain.”
Where others saw beauty, she saw the plants that represented every fight and demeaning word he spoke to her. Every garden has a purpose, she thought.
She felt close to God in her garden. It was where she was reminded something softer than her husband’s harshness existed. Each new garden bed was a hope of something new. Winter was coming and she knew her garden had served its purpose. Time spent in it gave her clarity to think about what God really had for intended for her life. She only hoped she would survive the winter to be able to live to see it.
The month of October is: Domestic Violence Awareness Month
The month of October is: Domestic Violence Awareness Month
The month of October is: Domestic Violence Awareness Month
The purple ribbon is flown or tied to acknowledge a survivor.
Most people do not realize: more women die from Domestic Violence each year than from Breast Cancer or other causes. Intimate partner abuse begins with harsh words, restricting her finances, ability to work, socialize and eventually acts of physical assault on or near the victim and her children. Many survivors do not want to return to their families as that is where they were taught to expect and tolerate that kind of treatment in exchange for housing.
Does it fall on society to rebuild us?
I hesitated to ask for help because I did not believe it was the responsibility of society to right the wrongs my oppressor committed against me. When the court system allowed itself to be used by my oppressor to further abuse me, I had no choice but to ask society and churches for help. I have documentation to show I was legally homeless. The abuser cried in court claiming he became homeless when I called the police and they removed him.
Most resources go to the new wave of refugees coming into the country. I watched as I returned to the hotel from yet another food pantry as an immigration lawyer paid for an entire floor of immigrants' rooms. They bussed them in and set them up in apartments within two weeks. I am two years in on over 20 ten year wait lists. I lived in two domestic violence shelters and five hotels. The first two apartments I rented were filled with black mold. God kept me from ever having to live in my car, but I was always ready to do so. In two and a half years I moved fourteen times.
I am finally safe enough to begin to build the life God intended me to have. I sold the garden I grew that helped me cope with intense emotional pain.
I am blessed to be tending and drafting a design for another person's garden. This is where this page will continue. A mix of garden stories and a mix of realities about what it takes for a woman to leave a life threatening marriage.
I suppose 'the garden' that helped me cope is helping me move on . . .
Low Visibility
Cultural Shades
Cultural Shades
I pieced together some behavior trends this past week. It was confirmed by myself and four different police departments that:
I am being stalked again.
The police in each town gave me the same suggestions:
Change your name
Change your job
Sell your car
Carry Pepper Spray
Consider a gun permit
They were kind enough to review other steps in an overall safety plan. I decided to carry pepper spray again and always have one phone ready to dial #911 and one on video every time I go out.
I woke in a panic the next morning and realized if I pursue the professional path I was on I would essentially be walking around with a target on my back.
I shared my concerns with my new employer and they decided it was best if I no longer work there due to the high level of visibility necessary to succeed.
While I will now prioritize writing, photography and other creative endeavors which I hope to earn an income with, I am haunted by this thought:
An abuser's behaviors are still impacting my life.
My choices are still limited and I still need to make decisions for my life based on what is safe. This is similar to what it was like when I was married.
I stood my ground in court for two plus years against the man who was a husband turned abuser and is now just 'the guy who stalks me'. I need to honor myself and the life I fought hard to protect.
I feel sad because yes, I left abuse, but the one who abused me is not leaving me alone. I still have reason to hide and be less visible. I hesitate to sparkle.
I hope one day society will understand that a woman leaves, but that does not mean she is left alone.
Cultural Shades
Cultural Shades
Cultural Shades
I was the only woman with a porcelain complexion in attendance at a domestic violence support group. I was told by the women with darker complexions than mine: "At least you do not have cultural abuses to deal with too."
I listened as they exchanged stories of hardship and oppression and when they turned to me I said:
"How many shades of concealer does it take for you to cover up a bruise? It takes me five, because my skin is so light. His bruises ran deep and changed many colors while healing. Due to the statistics and cultural differences you mentioned people are more aware of the various forms of abuse that happen in your relationships. When I reported, people, including domestic violence counselors told me that my abuser had idiosyncrasies and I should just time his anger outbursts. Because I am light in complexion the abuse I endured had low visibility in society. White Catholic school girls from Irish/Scottish families are shamed if they report abuse. Secrets are kept for generations."
Their reply was silence.
I reported seven times. On the seventh time I was offered help. What if I were offered help the first time? How much of the statistic that states women leave on the seventh attempt is the result of society and protection agencies not believing them first time because of the complexion of their skin?
The Cost of Domestic Violence
Retainer for Restraining Order: $3000.00
Retainer for Divorce: $3000.00
Early Settlement Panel Day in Court: $1000.00
2nd Restraining Order Retainer Attorney Deposit: $1500.00
3rd Restraining Order Retainer Attorney Deposit: $1500.00 plus $750/month
Restraining Order Trial: $7500.00
Day in Court for Divorce: $2000.00
Motion Filed because abuser refused to sign appropriate documents: $36,300.00
Total Legal: $56,550.00
Home sale costs came from me as I chose an alimony buyout from equity of the marital home in lieu of alimony.
Concessions: abuser refused to do repairs: $18,000.00
Real Estate Brokers: $23,600.00
Real Estate Attorney: $5,000.00
Total Real Estate Costs: $46,600.00
Repairs to Vehicle abuser 'worked on': $15,000.00
Storage Unit: $5700.00
Professional Losses: Career ending injury because abuser threatened my housing if I left an unsafe job. Result: became permanently disabled.
When I met the abuser I made more income than he did working 32 hours per week.
$1.5 million in retirement funds by age 50 plus income loss of $1.5 million
Total career loss: $3mil
In this moment, due to still being stalked, my broker deactivated my licenses, which means my abuser is still impacting me financially.
Credit Impact:
I had a 610 credit score that was improving when I met the abuser. Now it is 480.
Total amount paid of cards abuser used in my name then charged off thorough the 18 year joint financial relationship: approximately $70,500.00
My Retroactive payments from Disability and Disability Pension all went toward child expenses, credit cards, housing and food needs while in the relationship: $162,000.00
My annuity: $42k was used to pay for the wedding:
My Investment: $202k
For three years, while I waited for disability, the abuser carried me and my son financially.
Abuser paid $22k for one year of my child’s private education then stopped once married.
Abuser purchased three cars for me with cash: Total $31k went through so many because he refused my standard routine maintenance on them and insisted on doing it himself, which led to problems.
He paid down payment on one house: $30k
Abuser's investment: $83k
Abuser transferred $1k every six weeks to an account unknown to me.
$104k from the relationship and moved $795k into hidden accounts which lawyers said not to fight for. The IRS sued for lack of proof of a deposit slip.
Abuser's Take: $899K
First house co owned made $45k in two years thanks to my improvements. Resided in abuser's house which sold with $150k profit, after my improvements. The third house, which I also maintained and prepped to be sold made a profit of $145k. Abuser insisted we refinance to pay credit cards then refused to pay them off. The point: although the abuser sabotaged my ability to work, I earned money via home improvements.
The total cost for me to leave abuse: $108,400.00
The amount of the alimony buyout: $108,000.00
Hotels fees while I waited for housing:$23,000.
My fixed income: $24,264.00
I am house sitting and still waiting for long term housing.
In my case the cost of domestic violence in my life is: $4,314,000.00
This amount does not include the cost of 27 incident reports, 30 plus police calls, the prosecution of a restraining order violation from the state, three domestic violence shelter stays, domestic violence support groups, therapy, food pantries, gas cards and donations from random people. This total is approximately $15,000.00.
It also does not include the academic and psychological impact on my child.
Leaving Domestic Violence costs the victim, her children and society.
The abuser paid the court a $500 fine, I think.
Legal Representation
The Law
Resources:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
Explore the world of fiction with Van Girl
Called to Peace Ministries
Women's Right Information Center
Love is Respect
Guest Interview with Ramonita
The College Boy
1. How did you know it was time to leave?
I was a senior in high school and he was in his second semester of college when we met in a disco in 1980. Our families were from the same country and I found out that we lived in the same neighborhood just blocks apart. We dated for 7 years. We got married and waited five years to have our son. It was after my son was born that the bottom fell out of our relationship.
I was in denial my husband had been with two prostitutes prior to my getting pregnant. Between 1995 and 2000 he made 14 trips by himself back home(another country) for business investments. I never saw a document stating such deals. I would beg yell and scream for him not to leave my young son and I alone but it was to no avail. I was working part time and thought he would lose his full time job that paid him a lucrative salary.
Decades later I discovered that his employer, which he denied he was a partner in his firm with, was supporting an international money laundering scheme. He became obsessed with get rich quick schemes. Years later on the night of my 43rd birthday he said ”After I take you out to dinner I am going dancing with my friend”.
The image of him walking past me in the kitchen to get into his car still haunts me. I then put two and two together. I figured out that his hooch mama was buying cocaine for him with our marital funds. He later married the woman her.
We divorced shortly there after.
2. How did you decide what to take with you.
My divorce settlement gave me everything in the house after we sold our home.
3. What is the best resource you have found so far and how has it helped?
ZOOM chats from Woman’s Right Center in Englewood. I was able to express all
these deep events in a supportive and non judgemental fashion.
4. When did you decide to go no contact?
During the sale of the house. I found out he had taken money out of the mortgage without my signature twice. Also, he knew I had some medical issues which he ignored and rushed me out of the house without a place to live.
5. What has been hardest for you to cope with in society?
People judging me for not leaving the marriage earlier without knowing my story. I was told twice “You have to know who you are marrying." Really? I knew him for a lifetime and then he became addicted.
From the Moderator: We know who the predator presents themselves to be. It is never the victim's fault.
Stalked
He Looks He Lurks
I met X at the loading dock while employed by my father’s company as a delivery driver. I entered the shipping area the same time he did.
He bumped into me. “Well, hello there.”
“Hey can you tell me where XYZ Company is? I need to give them their material.”
“You must be the new girl.”
“Yup, now where can I leave this?”
X pointed toward an employee at a desk: “Herman, care to help the new girl? she’s with XYZ, she’s the boss’s daughter.”
I was known as ‘the boss’s daughter’ since age twelve, when my father went into business for himself. It was common for perfect strangers in the community and work related venues to know me before I met them. I asked who X worked for and learned he did not work for my father.
For some reason I thought of X after I left. He was easy on the eyes, almost my height and did not work for my father. I held a policy never to date anyone I met at work or who worked for my father. There was a high risk that guys who asked me out were dating me for a connection to my father.
When I met X, my son was almost two years old. I left the eighteen month marriage he was conceived in (more on that here) when he was eight weeks old. I was embroiled in a custody battle and did not want to enter into a relationship until that was resolved. I was committed to healing and putting my child first.
A few times a week I dropped material at the loading dock and X was always there. We started to joke around. This was common practice at vendors and job sites. When summer was over, I was placed on this site as an apprentice. All of the trades took coffee and lunch break at the same time.
Trying to carve space for myself, I took a long walk at lunch instead. X stopped eating lunch in the cafeteria and ate in his car. When lunch break was over, he made sure to walk back onto the job site with me. Soon he began joining me on the actual walk. I thought he enjoyed walking too.
When I used the restroom he was around the corner, getting material. He began to gather everyone for break making sure to include me and offer to buy me a drink. I never accepted. If I declined break to finish work, he waited for me. If he entered the elevator, he held it for me, even if he worked on the other side of the building. I concluded he had social initiative or was courteous.
He knew I had a son and gave me a CD Rom for him. I could not get it to work, so we exchanged emails. We never discussed the CD as it turned out I needed a new CDROM. We began to email weekly, then daily. He became known as the guy that I email to my friends. This was in the early days of internet dating. I felt safer knowing I met this person and was not emailing a total stranger.
He did not ask me out on a date. He asked me and my son to join him on outings. I was committed to keeping my personal life private from my son. I always declined.
We emailed on and off for two years. When I bought a new truck, he bought a new truck. The same make and model just a different color. I concluded we had similar tastes. When I was placed on different job sites, if his shop was there he made sure he was placed there. I thought it was the normal rotation pattern.
The emails turned into phone calls. After three years of me sharing stories of bad dates and being left mid date when I mention I have a child, I finally accepted his open ended invite. I insisted we meet without my son at first. He insisted on outings that included my son. I agreed and believed he was embracing all of my life. The custody battle was over and I spent years in therapy healing, so I would ‘never end up in a bad relationship again’.
More than two years after calling the police to have X removed from my life, I saw X waiting in the parking lot outside the place I pick up my mail. He was in a different vehicle. I am used to looking for a sedan, this was a truck. When I passed the truck I felt like I was being watched. I looked over and there he sat in his vehicle in the same pose he used while I took walks at lunch break twenty seven years ago. He sunk down in the seat, elbow bent on the window ledge, hand resting on his mustache, eyes on me. He was lurking, looking. In that moment I realized all those coincidences where he just appeared were planned by X and were not fate.
There is theory in the divorce coach world: patterns in the marriage that were toxic will continue to play out in the divorce process, except they will be exaggerated.
I apply a similar theory to what I now know is stalking:
When the victim breaks free from the patterns of behavior used to lure them into the relationship these trends will continue to be implemented except with more frequency and ferocity. It is possible that in the stalker’s mind, it worked once so it will work again
Over the two years since I first called the police to remove X from my life, I used the SPARC Log. It gave me a clear look at the patterns of behavior I now know for sure are stalking. It helps me to assess my risk level and provides evidence of pattern that I can provide to the police.
Side note: There are seven women I speak with regularly about leaving pathological relationships. In retrospect we share the commonality of being observed by our now stalkers whom we have left prior to ever meeting them.